31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Six Double Feature!! "The Crow" + "The Crow: Wicked Prayer"

Summary: Classic early 90's action movie about man who comes back to life, puts on harlequin face make-up, dresses like a KMFDM fan, and seeks vengeance on an anarchist gang on the anniversary of his and his fiance's deaths.

I'm pretty sure everyone born after 1975 has seen this movie. It came out in 1994, a banner year in Hollywood in my opinion (Ed Wood, Pulp Fiction, and Natural Born Killers).  I, along with many of my peers, was destined to fall in love with the Crow's dark subject matter, rain soaked scenery, and 'buzzworthy' soundtrack.

What can I say? It was a great time to be young and goth.

Fast forward 11 years:




Summary: This time our vengeful protagonist lives in a dessert border town where he is constantly hounded by the townspeople for being one of the the few 'gringos' around (and also presumably for acting like such a pussy). He also manages to piss-off Satanist cult leader and mesh shirt enthusiast David Boreanaz who kills him and his much-to-hot-for-him fiance as part of a crime spree designed to impress Satan into granting Boreanaz immortality.

As you may have guessed by now, this film is fucking TERRIBLE. I'm not 100% sure if it's supposed to be campy or not, which somehow makes it even worse. The entire thing looks like it was shot on a Sony handheld which gives it an even more amateur look and shatters any slight suspension of disbelief one might have.

Little Eddie Furlong plays the Crow (aka Cuervo -- you know, crow in spanish) in his typical misunderstood 13 year old boy style. It makes me particularly sad to see, as my teenage self totally crushed on Furlong. He had his childhood highs, (pet cemetery) then some scandal and terrible films, but when he played the title role in John Water's 'Pecker' I thought maybe, just maybe he got his shit together. NOPE!

 Through out the entirety of the film, all I could think about was this:

...because it is so fucking true! Look at that shit!

Ok, Furlong aside, we have David Boreanaz as the goth gang leader on his quest for Satan's power which apparently culminates in marrying his witchy side-kick/lover played by the ever terrible Tara Reid. There's a great scene in which Boreanaz makes snacks for his gang after one of their killing sprees and serves nothing but devil-themed foods. This is not a joke. I almost feel like the roles should have been reversed as Boreanaz never stops looking like a jock in a Halloween costume and Furlong never stops looking like Kristen Stewart.

Halloween Jukebox: 50's Edition ~ Zombies!!

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Five "Name of the Rose"

Summary: Ex-detective (maybe) turned Franciscan monk (barely) Sean Connery teams up with a super young femme-faced Christian Slater to form a crime solving duo investigating unusual deaths at a particularly scary monastery run by a blind head monk played by the always amusing William Hickey (one crazy summer, my blue heaven). 

As I watched this film, I was reminded of a couple of things:

1. "Don't judge a book by it's cover" Hollywood in the 80's (and for decades before that) really did not reinforce this idea. In many movies you can spot the bad guy right away, he is angry looking deformed one or the one driving a muscle car with a skull on it. The monks in the order under investigation are horrifyingly ugly. I mean these monks look like total shit, hair all disheveled, eyes all fucked up, over weight and sweaty. The naturally strange looking Ron Perlman is particularly jacked, missing patches of hair and sporting a large hump. Clearly there is some evil going on in that place.

2. 

3. In the 80's there were two foes: the Russians and the Devil. 

This movie has enough secret invisible writings, evasive powerful monks, banned books, pedophiles, ciphers, pupilless eyes, suicides, punishments of sinful flesh, forbidden libraries, Inquisitions, and secret crypt passageways to make Dan Brown cream his pants.

Did I mention there is also some soft-core porn featuring a barely legal Christian Slater AND F. Murray Abraham (amadeus, scarface) as the king of the evil monks/Connery's arch nemesis? Yeah.

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Four "Warlock"

SUMMARY: Unintentionally hilarious late 80's time-travelling/dark magic horror with a fantastic cast including Richard E Grant (dracula, how to get ahead in advertising), Lori Singer (motherfuckin footloose!), and the epitome of ponytailed 80's douche-bag cool Julian Sands (boxing helena, gothic).

I believe the phrase "This is horrible, let's turn it off" was uttered about 10 times during this film, but I could not (or maybe would not) will myself to push stop. The premise was interesting, kinda Bill and Ted meets the Highlander meets Willow (disclaimer: there are no dwarfs in this film). The effects were decent, culminating with a great ending death scene. Overall, I'm glad I watched the whole thing.

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Three "Horror Express"

Summary: I hate to plagiarize but I think Hulu+ said it best -- "Victorian scientists fight a missing-link monster making zombies on a trans-Siberian train. YUUUUPPP!!!

This movie is a monster-on-the-loose movie wrapped in a mindless killer zombie movie wrapped in a body snatcher/soul possessor movie on a train in Victorian Russia with a twist at the end that is fucking brilliant. You think you know where it's going, but you have no idea! The highlights include horror greats Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing as well as a surprise appearance from the unexpectedly sexy Telly Savalas as what I think is a Russian train pirate.  There are lots of eerily reminiscent images that make for great MST3000 commentary such as Terminator-like red eyes, Hammer-horror Victorian costumes, and even a knock-off Rasputin (of course! this is russia!). I gotta say, I loved it.

Halloween Costume Win

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Two "Zombie Women of Satan"

"Zombie Women of Satan" by Steve O'Brien & Warren Speed, 2009

SUMMARY: Porn for 13 year old emo boys.

The tagline for this movie is "It really was the wrong time of the month." Nuff said.

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day One "House"

"House" by Nobuhiko Obayashi, 1977

SUMMARY: Psychedelic live-action anime horror done by late 70's technophiles eager to utilize the latest in special effects.

I had very high hopes for this film. It's a cult classic art house nerds love to name drop so I was eager to see what all the fuss was about. Its often screened by reputable repertory movie theaters, including one of Philadelphia's premier film establishments the International House

The film begins with a group of 7 school girls in their sailor-like school uniforms, innocent, smiling, and softly focused like a Brian DePalma locker scene. I soon realized that I knew nothing about this movie and what little I did know was completely wrong. As it progressed with crazy stereo-typical costumes, wild editing, slapstick humor, and choreographed sing-a-longs I waited with bated breath for the horror to begin. 

My mind began to wander. I realized that though the movie was not that great it would be FANTASTIC as an American re-make. I began piecing the scenes together in my head, mirroring the ones on the screen. I think that's what got me through without the aid of hallucinatory drugs or hours of drinking.

When the killing began, it was far more cartoony than I'd expected. It traded scares and tension for wild special effects and grade school humor. Though I was amused, I was overall disappointed. So I am currently working on my re-make complete with dramatic painted backdrops, trippy synth soundtrack, and a never-ceasing pedestal fan.

Alas...

 There just aren't enough celebrity-themed dance crazes anymore.