31 Days of Horror: Day 5 "Halloween" the Rob Zombie one

Oh Rob Zombie... what am I going to DO with you? I love your movies and I can tell you really get it. You love horror, you make horror, but you dress like a douchebag and I hate White Zombie. I'm so conflicted. No. I'm not going to be that superficial."Halloween" does a stellar job of creating a plausible and horrifying Myers origin story and I love that it completely ignores pretty much every movie after Carpenter's original. Just like most notable horror movies, the film slutshames, in this case showing gratuitous boobs and not even a hint of man-ass as well as pretty much blaming Mike's mom for his first homicidal outburst. It also features what I am realizing is a Zombie-staple, a very graphic and disturbing rape scene that should make any decent person's stomach turn. That being said, this movie was a delight for any film fan, if only for the cameos and their subsequent deaths.

31 Days of Horror: Day 4 "You're Next"

Smart, strong female lead who never plays the victim and actually works to save the group. I was shocked. I'm excited to see their next film "The Guest."

Also a completely plausible monster: greed

Maybe the best part: easy costume for halloween

31 Days of Horror: Day 3 "Dumplings"

Keeping with my theme of horror and pregnancy and babies, we have this gem from Hong Kong. Originally part of a set of three short horror films, Dumplings was expanded into a feature film in 2004 and premiered at the Berlin Film Fest. At first you might dismiss the film and another over-the-top freaky Asian gross-out pic but it's themes of ever-lasting youth lust, woman-on-woman cruelty, and government controlled family planning bring depth and make a lasting impression.

Yes, the premise is disturbing and disgusting. I don't think I'm revealing too much to tell you that the secret ingredient in these magical, youth-preserving dumplings is fetuses and that some fetuses (the older, developed ones) are more effective than others. But in this film, we can't just dismiss the cook as an evil witch going out in the night to steal unborn babies directly from their mothers' wombs, we find out that she stocks her kitchen with the discarded babies from China's "one-child policy." In her heart, Aunt Mei (the cook) is an opportunist. Where other's see tragedy, she sees surplus and unaddressed demand. She's intelligent and charming, a former doctor, far more complex than your average horror villain.

The connection of cannibalism and prolonged youth is nothing new, we've seen in it countless movies  and ancient cultures but rarely are fetuses or babies consumed. Also, the Asian culture's obsession with youth has also been well established. Putting the two together is a natural fit. More compelling to me was seeing how this film reflects women and their attitudes toward one another. Women seem to have a more sinister foe than Satan or serial killers or the men who try to suppress them: other women. This film unflinchingly shows the callus, but real relationships between women who are unable to see how much they have in common because they feel they are in competition with each other for men's (or a man's) approval. To me, the female characters' treatment of one another is far more disturbing than the suggestive crunch of a fetus dumpling.

31 Days of Horror: Day 2 "Scanners"

A haiku:

Cronenberg's Scanners
silent vinegar stroke fights
right into the lens

31 Days of Horror: Day 1 "The Brood"

David Cronenberg is convinced that something is living inside us. In the worlds he creates, our inner rage and desire can manifest into reality with terrible consequences. The Brood is an amazing example of Cronenberg's perennial theme, complete with demon-face child clones who are continually dressed in 80s snow suits and the scene pictured above where a mother licks the blood from her "newborn's" face.

Cronenberg tries to ruin the film with some flaky Baby Boomer age-regression therapy bullshit, but I can't help but get sucked in by the underlying story: SPOILER A woman reproducing via rage tumors, releasing her parasitic offspring into the world to serve her emotional bidding. Adding to this is the presence of killer children, which I always find a genius horror twist because #1 children are evil #2 we act like they're not #3 we hesitate to kill them.

31 Days of Horror: Day 4 "Last House on the Left"

I can suffer through most things that cinema conjures, but graphic rape scenes nearly always force me to look away. I've even refused to watch movies that have notoriously brutal portrayals of non-consensual sex. I have no idea why I decided to re-watch this film, but I'm not terribly sorry that I did. Maybe I'm just in a good mood, every Halloween movie seems to please me these days. This one had the saturated cinematography and synthy Gothic-style soundtrack of a low-budet Giallo and ending reminiscent of 60's Japanese horror films like Kuroneko... but unmistakably sadistic American undertones. Even better, it was populated by actors fairly new to the power of cinema, unencumbered and willing to do what it took to make this movie as real as possible.

31 Days of Horror" Day 3 "Slither"

Summary: After being rejected by his young wife (Elizabeth Banks), a pretty buff older man is infected by an alien being while attempting a tryst in the woods. He goes on to infect others, giving them truly disgusting symptoms such as an insatiable need for meat and a desire to  physically meld themselves into one super creature.  The beings are spread through slug-like creatures that are all controlled by their host, who is obsessed with reuniting with his wife. The film is very gory. I think a Youtube commenter offered-up some sage words of advice:

"This movie seriously traumatized me when I was little. I puked watching. Reccomandation: have a strong stomach. Don't eat before the movie. During the movie. Or after. #nuff'said"
                                                                                                                       - mcmappleturnover 

This film is also very entertaining and a great re-imagining of the classic body snatchers genre.

31 Days of Horror: Day 2 "Burn, Witch, Burn"

Summary: An atheistic college professor becomes incensed after learning of his wife's daliances with the Dark Arts.

You know, I was always under the impression that this was one of those ultra-campy 50's horror movies that almost requires a flask, but actually this was a genuinely entertaining thriller. To be sure it's completely over-acted and definitely has some hilariously dated special effects, but still kept my attention and actually became an interesting talking point on feminism and the occult as reflected in popular media of the day. What? Yeah I just got serious there for a second. 

In conversation after the film, I found myself describing the lead character as a victim of the male-dominated society of the 50's. I don't think I'm forging a new path when I say that the pursuit and damnation of witches was a direct result and affront to the ever-growing power of women in society. This is a theme we see again and again in America starting fairly early with the Salem Witch Trials. I thought this idea particularly interesting when you look at the portrayal of witches in film and drama specifically the 1958 film "Bell Book and Candle," this film which was released in 1962 and the TV series "I Dream of Jeannie" which ran from 1965 - 1970. 

In both the "Bell" and "Burn" we find dutiful, intelligent, capable, desirable women who use witchcraft as they would any other household appliance, for their own betterment and ease. In "Burn," the viewer is lead to believe that the wife uses her magic primarily to better her husband's career. She keeps this a secret however, which is her ultimate downfall. The real villain is her selfish mentor, a woman who does magic for her own ends. The character in "Burn" stands in distinct contrast from Jeannie in the series "I Dream if Jeannie." Jeannie's threat is nullified by her extremely subservient role.

Enough. Here are some of my favorite stills:

Halloween Jukebox: Louis

31 Days of Horror: Day 1 "Dr. Phibes Rises Again"

Summary: Vincent Price resurrects his role as the grief-stricken, revenge-hungry Dr. Phibes bent on avenging the death of his beloved and bringing her age-less body back to life. Full disclosure, I didn't see the original. I have no idea why Phibes is unable to move his mouth while speaking and instead uses a Victrola-like apparatus connected to what I believe is his voice box via a large Frankenstein-esque plug in the side of his neck (yup). Apparently also just like the first film, he has a silent vixen named Vulnavia at his beckon call. I have no idea who she is or where she came from, but her outfits make me want to drape myself in pleating. One distinct highlight of the film was watching Terry-Thomas in his bit part as Lombardo. good. stuff.

Interesting fact according to IMDB:

The second part of a planned trilogy. The third film would have featured Phibes fighting a group of Nazis, or searching for the key to Olympus. The title would have been "Phibes Resurrectus," "The Seven Fates of Dr. Phibes" or "The Brides of Dr. Phibes". 

I cannot confirm nor deny the validity of that statement, but I truly hope it is true.

I can see how this film has become a cult classic. The premise is insane, cinematography amazing, Vincent Price is incredible and the sets and costumes are absolutely over-the-top. I have included some screenshots as evidence of this:

31 Days of Horror: Scare Season

Unfortunately I was not able to start my 31 Days of Horror on time this year as I have been busy prepping for the season by vacationing in the most frightening place in the United States, a place where you're surrounded by deserted areas where no one can hear you scream, the inspiration of countless horror stories (never mind that they were all written by the same person)... Maine. Other than being terrified by unidentifiable woodland noises, I also was able to watch one horror movie: Cabin in the Woods, which is one of the better horror movies of last year. 

Summary: A group of college students vacation in a creepy old cabin in the woods... sound familiar? Well it is, but for a reason you'd never imagine. You spend most of the movie trying to figure out what's going on and I mean that in the best way possible. There is a great mix of humor, cliches and gore to keep the viewer entertained. Not the creepiest movie, certainly not the best horror movie ever made, but overall an entertaining film. The film owes a great debt to Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford for making an unbelievable plot fairly plausible.

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Seven "Santa Sangre"

Summary: An institutionalized man recalls his strange and grisly childhood in a circus before escaping and going on a bloody killing spree encouraged by his deranged arm-less mother.

When your mom is a jealous religious zealot/circus performer and your dad is a randy sequined hypnotic ringmaster, you KNOW you're gonna grow-up to be a psycho killer!

Our protagonist recalls his mother's brutal (and totally awesome) death at the hands of his father after she pours acid on her husband's penis upon catching him with another woman. His father, presumably figuring there was nothing left to live for after the loss of his junk, slits his own throat in front of his young son. The deaths put a wedge into the boys budding relationship with a deaf mute areal performer who's mother was the temptress which served as a catalyst to his parents demise... and that is just the set-up!

This movie was by far the best I watched in the month of October. Director Jodorowsky (el topo, holy mountain) perfectly choreographs off-kilter circus scenes, tracking his characters as they move through a surreal world complete with a dying elephant, a slutty knife-licking tattooed lady, a blood-obsessed religious cult, and an amazing mother+son performance in which he acts as her missing arms. I absolutely loved it!!

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Six Double Feature!! "The Crow" + "The Crow: Wicked Prayer"

Summary: Classic early 90's action movie about man who comes back to life, puts on harlequin face make-up, dresses like a KMFDM fan, and seeks vengeance on an anarchist gang on the anniversary of his and his fiance's deaths.

I'm pretty sure everyone born after 1975 has seen this movie. It came out in 1994, a banner year in Hollywood in my opinion (Ed Wood, Pulp Fiction, and Natural Born Killers).  I, along with many of my peers, was destined to fall in love with the Crow's dark subject matter, rain soaked scenery, and 'buzzworthy' soundtrack.

What can I say? It was a great time to be young and goth.

Fast forward 11 years:




Summary: This time our vengeful protagonist lives in a dessert border town where he is constantly hounded by the townspeople for being one of the the few 'gringos' around (and also presumably for acting like such a pussy). He also manages to piss-off Satanist cult leader and mesh shirt enthusiast David Boreanaz who kills him and his much-to-hot-for-him fiance as part of a crime spree designed to impress Satan into granting Boreanaz immortality.

As you may have guessed by now, this film is fucking TERRIBLE. I'm not 100% sure if it's supposed to be campy or not, which somehow makes it even worse. The entire thing looks like it was shot on a Sony handheld which gives it an even more amateur look and shatters any slight suspension of disbelief one might have.

Little Eddie Furlong plays the Crow (aka Cuervo -- you know, crow in spanish) in his typical misunderstood 13 year old boy style. It makes me particularly sad to see, as my teenage self totally crushed on Furlong. He had his childhood highs, (pet cemetery) then some scandal and terrible films, but when he played the title role in John Water's 'Pecker' I thought maybe, just maybe he got his shit together. NOPE!

 Through out the entirety of the film, all I could think about was this:

...because it is so fucking true! Look at that shit!

Ok, Furlong aside, we have David Boreanaz as the goth gang leader on his quest for Satan's power which apparently culminates in marrying his witchy side-kick/lover played by the ever terrible Tara Reid. There's a great scene in which Boreanaz makes snacks for his gang after one of their killing sprees and serves nothing but devil-themed foods. This is not a joke. I almost feel like the roles should have been reversed as Boreanaz never stops looking like a jock in a Halloween costume and Furlong never stops looking like Kristen Stewart.

Halloween Jukebox: 50's Edition ~ Zombies!!

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Five "Name of the Rose"

Summary: Ex-detective (maybe) turned Franciscan monk (barely) Sean Connery teams up with a super young femme-faced Christian Slater to form a crime solving duo investigating unusual deaths at a particularly scary monastery run by a blind head monk played by the always amusing William Hickey (one crazy summer, my blue heaven). 

As I watched this film, I was reminded of a couple of things:

1. "Don't judge a book by it's cover" Hollywood in the 80's (and for decades before that) really did not reinforce this idea. In many movies you can spot the bad guy right away, he is angry looking deformed one or the one driving a muscle car with a skull on it. The monks in the order under investigation are horrifyingly ugly. I mean these monks look like total shit, hair all disheveled, eyes all fucked up, over weight and sweaty. The naturally strange looking Ron Perlman is particularly jacked, missing patches of hair and sporting a large hump. Clearly there is some evil going on in that place.

2. 

3. In the 80's there were two foes: the Russians and the Devil. 

This movie has enough secret invisible writings, evasive powerful monks, banned books, pedophiles, ciphers, pupilless eyes, suicides, punishments of sinful flesh, forbidden libraries, Inquisitions, and secret crypt passageways to make Dan Brown cream his pants.

Did I mention there is also some soft-core porn featuring a barely legal Christian Slater AND F. Murray Abraham (amadeus, scarface) as the king of the evil monks/Connery's arch nemesis? Yeah.

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Four "Warlock"

SUMMARY: Unintentionally hilarious late 80's time-travelling/dark magic horror with a fantastic cast including Richard E Grant (dracula, how to get ahead in advertising), Lori Singer (motherfuckin footloose!), and the epitome of ponytailed 80's douche-bag cool Julian Sands (boxing helena, gothic).

I believe the phrase "This is horrible, let's turn it off" was uttered about 10 times during this film, but I could not (or maybe would not) will myself to push stop. The premise was interesting, kinda Bill and Ted meets the Highlander meets Willow (disclaimer: there are no dwarfs in this film). The effects were decent, culminating with a great ending death scene. Overall, I'm glad I watched the whole thing.

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Three "Horror Express"

Summary: I hate to plagiarize but I think Hulu+ said it best -- "Victorian scientists fight a missing-link monster making zombies on a trans-Siberian train. YUUUUPPP!!!

This movie is a monster-on-the-loose movie wrapped in a mindless killer zombie movie wrapped in a body snatcher/soul possessor movie on a train in Victorian Russia with a twist at the end that is fucking brilliant. You think you know where it's going, but you have no idea! The highlights include horror greats Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing as well as a surprise appearance from the unexpectedly sexy Telly Savalas as what I think is a Russian train pirate.  There are lots of eerily reminiscent images that make for great MST3000 commentary such as Terminator-like red eyes, Hammer-horror Victorian costumes, and even a knock-off Rasputin (of course! this is russia!). I gotta say, I loved it.

Halloween Costume Win

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Two "Zombie Women of Satan"

"Zombie Women of Satan" by Steve O'Brien & Warren Speed, 2009

SUMMARY: Porn for 13 year old emo boys.

The tagline for this movie is "It really was the wrong time of the month." Nuff said.

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day One "House"

"House" by Nobuhiko Obayashi, 1977

SUMMARY: Psychedelic live-action anime horror done by late 70's technophiles eager to utilize the latest in special effects.

I had very high hopes for this film. It's a cult classic art house nerds love to name drop so I was eager to see what all the fuss was about. Its often screened by reputable repertory movie theaters, including one of Philadelphia's premier film establishments the International House

The film begins with a group of 7 school girls in their sailor-like school uniforms, innocent, smiling, and softly focused like a Brian DePalma locker scene. I soon realized that I knew nothing about this movie and what little I did know was completely wrong. As it progressed with crazy stereo-typical costumes, wild editing, slapstick humor, and choreographed sing-a-longs I waited with bated breath for the horror to begin. 

My mind began to wander. I realized that though the movie was not that great it would be FANTASTIC as an American re-make. I began piecing the scenes together in my head, mirroring the ones on the screen. I think that's what got me through without the aid of hallucinatory drugs or hours of drinking.

When the killing began, it was far more cartoony than I'd expected. It traded scares and tension for wild special effects and grade school humor. Though I was amused, I was overall disappointed. So I am currently working on my re-make complete with dramatic painted backdrops, trippy synth soundtrack, and a never-ceasing pedestal fan.