31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Seven "Santa Sangre"

Summary: An institutionalized man recalls his strange and grisly childhood in a circus before escaping and going on a bloody killing spree encouraged by his deranged arm-less mother.

When your mom is a jealous religious zealot/circus performer and your dad is a randy sequined hypnotic ringmaster, you KNOW you're gonna grow-up to be a psycho killer!

Our protagonist recalls his mother's brutal (and totally awesome) death at the hands of his father after she pours acid on her husband's penis upon catching him with another woman. His father, presumably figuring there was nothing left to live for after the loss of his junk, slits his own throat in front of his young son. The deaths put a wedge into the boys budding relationship with a deaf mute areal performer who's mother was the temptress which served as a catalyst to his parents demise... and that is just the set-up!

This movie was by far the best I watched in the month of October. Director Jodorowsky (el topo, holy mountain) perfectly choreographs off-kilter circus scenes, tracking his characters as they move through a surreal world complete with a dying elephant, a slutty knife-licking tattooed lady, a blood-obsessed religious cult, and an amazing mother+son performance in which he acts as her missing arms. I absolutely loved it!!

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Six Double Feature!! "The Crow" + "The Crow: Wicked Prayer"

Summary: Classic early 90's action movie about man who comes back to life, puts on harlequin face make-up, dresses like a KMFDM fan, and seeks vengeance on an anarchist gang on the anniversary of his and his fiance's deaths.

I'm pretty sure everyone born after 1975 has seen this movie. It came out in 1994, a banner year in Hollywood in my opinion (Ed Wood, Pulp Fiction, and Natural Born Killers).  I, along with many of my peers, was destined to fall in love with the Crow's dark subject matter, rain soaked scenery, and 'buzzworthy' soundtrack.

What can I say? It was a great time to be young and goth.

Fast forward 11 years:




Summary: This time our vengeful protagonist lives in a dessert border town where he is constantly hounded by the townspeople for being one of the the few 'gringos' around (and also presumably for acting like such a pussy). He also manages to piss-off Satanist cult leader and mesh shirt enthusiast David Boreanaz who kills him and his much-to-hot-for-him fiance as part of a crime spree designed to impress Satan into granting Boreanaz immortality.

As you may have guessed by now, this film is fucking TERRIBLE. I'm not 100% sure if it's supposed to be campy or not, which somehow makes it even worse. The entire thing looks like it was shot on a Sony handheld which gives it an even more amateur look and shatters any slight suspension of disbelief one might have.

Little Eddie Furlong plays the Crow (aka Cuervo -- you know, crow in spanish) in his typical misunderstood 13 year old boy style. It makes me particularly sad to see, as my teenage self totally crushed on Furlong. He had his childhood highs, (pet cemetery) then some scandal and terrible films, but when he played the title role in John Water's 'Pecker' I thought maybe, just maybe he got his shit together. NOPE!

 Through out the entirety of the film, all I could think about was this:

...because it is so fucking true! Look at that shit!

Ok, Furlong aside, we have David Boreanaz as the goth gang leader on his quest for Satan's power which apparently culminates in marrying his witchy side-kick/lover played by the ever terrible Tara Reid. There's a great scene in which Boreanaz makes snacks for his gang after one of their killing sprees and serves nothing but devil-themed foods. This is not a joke. I almost feel like the roles should have been reversed as Boreanaz never stops looking like a jock in a Halloween costume and Furlong never stops looking like Kristen Stewart.

Halloween Jukebox: 50's Edition ~ Zombies!!

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Five "Name of the Rose"

Summary: Ex-detective (maybe) turned Franciscan monk (barely) Sean Connery teams up with a super young femme-faced Christian Slater to form a crime solving duo investigating unusual deaths at a particularly scary monastery run by a blind head monk played by the always amusing William Hickey (one crazy summer, my blue heaven). 

As I watched this film, I was reminded of a couple of things:

1. "Don't judge a book by it's cover" Hollywood in the 80's (and for decades before that) really did not reinforce this idea. In many movies you can spot the bad guy right away, he is angry looking deformed one or the one driving a muscle car with a skull on it. The monks in the order under investigation are horrifyingly ugly. I mean these monks look like total shit, hair all disheveled, eyes all fucked up, over weight and sweaty. The naturally strange looking Ron Perlman is particularly jacked, missing patches of hair and sporting a large hump. Clearly there is some evil going on in that place.

2. 

3. In the 80's there were two foes: the Russians and the Devil. 

This movie has enough secret invisible writings, evasive powerful monks, banned books, pedophiles, ciphers, pupilless eyes, suicides, punishments of sinful flesh, forbidden libraries, Inquisitions, and secret crypt passageways to make Dan Brown cream his pants.

Did I mention there is also some soft-core porn featuring a barely legal Christian Slater AND F. Murray Abraham (amadeus, scarface) as the king of the evil monks/Connery's arch nemesis? Yeah.

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Four "Warlock"

SUMMARY: Unintentionally hilarious late 80's time-travelling/dark magic horror with a fantastic cast including Richard E Grant (dracula, how to get ahead in advertising), Lori Singer (motherfuckin footloose!), and the epitome of ponytailed 80's douche-bag cool Julian Sands (boxing helena, gothic).

I believe the phrase "This is horrible, let's turn it off" was uttered about 10 times during this film, but I could not (or maybe would not) will myself to push stop. The premise was interesting, kinda Bill and Ted meets the Highlander meets Willow (disclaimer: there are no dwarfs in this film). The effects were decent, culminating with a great ending death scene. Overall, I'm glad I watched the whole thing.

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Three "Horror Express"

Summary: I hate to plagiarize but I think Hulu+ said it best -- "Victorian scientists fight a missing-link monster making zombies on a trans-Siberian train. YUUUUPPP!!!

This movie is a monster-on-the-loose movie wrapped in a mindless killer zombie movie wrapped in a body snatcher/soul possessor movie on a train in Victorian Russia with a twist at the end that is fucking brilliant. You think you know where it's going, but you have no idea! The highlights include horror greats Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing as well as a surprise appearance from the unexpectedly sexy Telly Savalas as what I think is a Russian train pirate.  There are lots of eerily reminiscent images that make for great MST3000 commentary such as Terminator-like red eyes, Hammer-horror Victorian costumes, and even a knock-off Rasputin (of course! this is russia!). I gotta say, I loved it.

Halloween Costume Win

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day Two "Zombie Women of Satan"

"Zombie Women of Satan" by Steve O'Brien & Warren Speed, 2009

SUMMARY: Porn for 13 year old emo boys.

The tagline for this movie is "It really was the wrong time of the month." Nuff said.

31 Days of Horror 2011: Day One "House"

"House" by Nobuhiko Obayashi, 1977

SUMMARY: Psychedelic live-action anime horror done by late 70's technophiles eager to utilize the latest in special effects.

I had very high hopes for this film. It's a cult classic art house nerds love to name drop so I was eager to see what all the fuss was about. Its often screened by reputable repertory movie theaters, including one of Philadelphia's premier film establishments the International House

The film begins with a group of 7 school girls in their sailor-like school uniforms, innocent, smiling, and softly focused like a Brian DePalma locker scene. I soon realized that I knew nothing about this movie and what little I did know was completely wrong. As it progressed with crazy stereo-typical costumes, wild editing, slapstick humor, and choreographed sing-a-longs I waited with bated breath for the horror to begin. 

My mind began to wander. I realized that though the movie was not that great it would be FANTASTIC as an American re-make. I began piecing the scenes together in my head, mirroring the ones on the screen. I think that's what got me through without the aid of hallucinatory drugs or hours of drinking.

When the killing began, it was far more cartoony than I'd expected. It traded scares and tension for wild special effects and grade school humor. Though I was amused, I was overall disappointed. So I am currently working on my re-make complete with dramatic painted backdrops, trippy synth soundtrack, and a never-ceasing pedestal fan.

Alas...

 There just aren't enough celebrity-themed dance crazes anymore.

It's that time again...

October starts tomorrow and I will be back in horror-mode doing my best to consume nothing but nightmarish demon-inducing art, music, and movies for the next 31 days. Tonight, I will watch something sunny and happy and full of light... probably created by Disney... but tomorrow my friends, tomorrow I begin my annual worship of the Beast.

The More You Know: Cindy Sherman

Smithsonian Magazine did a wonderful article explaining the inclusion of the above Cindy Sherman image into a MoMa exhibition titled "Into the Sunset: Photography's Image of the American West." I was very interested to learn that a teenage Sherman created this picture on a family vacation:

"She loaded a camera, a tripod and a suitcase full of wigs, makeup and costumes into a station wagon, and whenever she saw an interesting location she asked her parents to stop while she set up a scene to shoot."

http://www.smithsonianmag.com/people-places/Indelible-Images-Monument-Valley-Girl.html

Sleep, my Love (1948)

more info

Love #3 - Leonard Cohen

Leonard Cohen's love is one of lust and loss. "So Long Marianne" captures the confusion of identity that can come with very close relationships as well as the acceptance a relationship's failure without bitterness."I'm Your Man" is one of the simplest, most erotic songs I have ever heard. Desperation for one's love to the point of complete complacence and self-denial, even to the point of total reinvention, is something to which many can relate. 

Love #2 - Bjork

I know by now that you'll arrive by the time I stop waiting.while you're away my heart comes undone.

Love #1 - Bruce Springsteen

tell me now baby is he good to you? can he do the things that i do?
roy orbison's singin for the lonely. hey that's me and i want you only. don't turn me on again. i just cant face myself alone again.

Wishlist

http://www.peteverrando.com/micro

Wanna be there...

I'm really into...

31 Days of Eating: Day 6

 One of the perks of living in a city is having access to great ethnic food. Steamed buns, though a staple of Asian cuisine, have yet to really catch on here the states. Basically they are large dumplings filled with broth and filling (usually pork + veggie). They are served in the same plate they are steamed and with traditional dumpling sauce. They are very cheap and instantly habit-forming, two things for which I am a real sucker.

They are a little tricky to eat which I think makes them even better somehow, kinda like a food challenge. The dumplings are far too large to just stuff in your mouth and you can't just bite into them as they are filled with boiling hot broth. You have to bite a bit and slurp-up the juice... slowly nibbling and slurping your way through the bun. It can be messy and will test your chopstick handling skills, but it's so much fun to watch your friends struggle through them! Once you've had a few, you start to develop your own style of consumption and you are on your way to carefree bun bliss.

Dim Sum Garden, located in an unlikely neon-lit storefront near the Convention Center,  has some of the best steamed buns in Philly. It is often sited as a culinary hidden gem and is frequented by some of the best chefs in the city. It's proximity to the Chinatown bus, which offers cheap fares to nearby metropolises like New York and DC, make it a great place to catch a quick bite before heading out of the city.

TIP: No matter what you get, order the scallion pancake... it's the best I've ever had.

31 Days of Eating: Day 5

In every major city there is an argument lurking, waiting for some unsuspecting visitor to ask one innocent question and spark an age-old debate: "Who makes the best pizza in town?"

Now I'm no pizza buff, but I know what I like: Something cheap, delicious, and delivered directly to/ not too long of a walk from my doorstep. Now, believe it or not, South Philly likes to think of itself as a mecca for Italian food and I have an overflowing kitchen drawer of menus from local eateries to attest to this. Evey corner pizza place devilishly tries to tempt hungry couch-potatoes with promises of 2 large pies + 20 wings + a 2 liter for $12.99. BUT... as we all know, a bad piece of pizza can ruin an entire evening AND drunken pig-out. So before you order your next large with prosciutto and broccoli rabe (my fave), here are a few thoughts:

Marras: Once upon a time I knew a guy who really loved pizza. Like many a teenage boy before him, he would agree to eat little else. One terrible day, the boy had to relocate from NYC to Philladelphia. He complained endlessly about his new city's lack of decent slice of pizza. The only place this boy would agree to eat in his new town was a classic American-Italian restaurant called Marra's. 

Well, this boy turned-out to be a total douche-bag, however apparently he had a point about Marra's pie because many in the city say it's the best you can get. I would agree that it tastes decent, is reasonably priced, and - best of all - they have great take-out dinners for people who may not love pizza as much as you. The real downside to Marra's is their delivery time.  It is at LEAST an hour before any pizza gets out of that place any day of the week no matter what time of day. Which is really bad news when you have the munchies and just want your damn pizza already!!

Bottom Line: if you can't pick-up, don't even bother.

Slice: This new-comer to the South Philly-area has gotten a lot of praise from the city's press. It's been dubbed the 'Best of the City' by several weeklies, received praise from the almighty Philly Inquirer and even won the highly coveted "Most Original Pizza" audience award from the South Philly Review. Yes, the pizza is good... but it's really not worth the insanely expensive price. That shit may work in Rittenhouse, but in the land of 12.99 feasts, it just seems wrong to spend $3.50 on a plain slice of pizza.

Bottom Line: If you're fancy and you know it (and you have some extra cash), go to Slice.

Lorenzo's Pizza: Everyone who has ever been drunk on or near South Street has had Lorenzo's pizza (even if you don't remember). Their enormous slices and late hours attract long lines of club-hopping idiots attract hungry drunkards from all over town. I'm not too proud to admit that I've sat on a stoop and wolfed down a grease-drenched slice of pizza 1/4 the size of a large pie while watching some 1/2 naked girl chew-out her date for dancing with another girl. It's good clean old-fashioned entertainment!!

Bottom Line: Good if you're so drunk anything could satisfy your hunger, but often overrun with drunken assholes and seriously not worth the wait.

Blackbird Pizza: If you've read any of my blog, you may already know that I am not a vegetarian. Really I'm kind of the exact opposite - I don't cook a meal w/o meat and could probably be satisfied with a meal of JUST meat. So this holiday, when I had vegetarian guests, my brain nearly exploded trying to make-up a menu that would satisfy us all without being too labor-intensive or expensive.

It was ingrained in me at childhood though countless birthday parties that pizza is perfect for quickly feeding a crowd of fickle people. Not only is the clean-up easy, most people like it and it's cheap... or at least it's supposed to be. Blackbird was quick (picked-it up in 15 min.), ethically eatable (I think it was fucking VEGAN, not just vegetarian),  but at $20 for a medium pie with two toppings it was not very economical.

ALSO: You had better eat that shit RIGHT up because once that vegan cheese starts to cool, the entire pizza goes.

Bottom Line: If you're vegetarian or vegan, I hear this is the best in town... and frankly I feel sorry for you.

Domino's Pizza: If  you're not abreast of the latest in pizza home delivery technology, you may not know that Domino's has this a great interactive online feature called the Tracker. You can go onto the Domino site and actually follow your pizza order through each stage of it's magical journey through the bowels of Domino's and right to your doorstep. You can see that your pizza dough is being thrown in the air my Jimmy and then turned over to the fine hands of Faith to be assembled and put into the oven. You know the second the pizza comes out of the oven and is given to Brad for safe and fast delivery.

Having all this information at your fingertips makes it ever so easy to see exactly who had a hand in completely fucking up your pizza.

Bottom Line: Domino's is cheap and gross, but is totally cutting edge.

Francoluigi Pizzeria: The BEST. Yes BEST pizza South Philly has to offer. I have no idea what their delivery time is as they are only a few blocks away, but after making the call from my house, I arrive15 min later and my pizza is  ready for my belly. They have all your favorite toppings, a good balance of cheese and sauce, and a crust too good to leave on your plate. The price is decent, not too pricey but reasonable for the pie you get. They even sell take-out beer!

Bottom Line: One-stop instant party!